Tampon, Tampoff: Switching to a Menstrual Cup
I have no memory of the first time I heard about menstrual cups, but knowing myself I imagine my reaction went something like this.
“That’s fucking gross.”
As a full-time woman I believe I’m supposed to stand tall and brave and command that we all take pause for the strength we muster each month for the great menstruation… but at the end of the day standing tall gives me cramps and I’ve got stains on my jeans anyway. I’m not brave, I’m just bleeding... and I think it’s gross.
We’re strong AND gross.
After having kids, I was #blessed with even heavier, longer lasting periods. I was the worst of the X-Men. I blamed my copper IUD, because that certainly wasn’t helping, but after my second kid and a rejected IUD - my heavy periods remained.
I cramped, I bled, and I went through super plus tampons like they were cigarettes. On my worst days, I was bleeding through a super plus tampon in less than an hour and a half. #superpowers #whywontyoudie
When the pandemic forced everyone to work from home, I somehow decided it was time to try to break free of the tampon strings that were holding me back and slip into something more comfortable:
Sticking my hands inside my bleeding vagina.
Okay that was a bit much, it’s not even one hand, it’s like a couple of fingers at most… moving on.
Which cup did you pick?
Look, I don’t know your puss. I don’t know her history. I don’t know how many kids you’ve blasted through that canal, I don’t know how much blood you ooze, and I don’t know your cramp status.
My cup might not be the best cup for you, unless we’re long lost pussy twins.
If you’re looking for a cup - I would suggest starting with www.putacupinit.com. They will ask you questions to help narrow your search. If you’re still overwhelmed by the options - pick the one that looks the nicest. Or pick the one that looks the least intimidating. Imagine the cups all have voices and pick the one you want to muffle with a kegel.
I currently have two different cups:
Round One, Fight!
My first cycle with a cup was… a learning experience. No, it was fucked. The learning curve here is intense. It’s not like a tampon where you just slide it in sideways, wince, and shrug it off knowing it’ll pipe-clean you on the way out.
You gotta get to know your insides. Where’s your cervix? Do you know how to find your cervix? Do you WANT to find your cervix? Are you comfortable fiddly-dee-ing around in there with your digits until you are confident you found it?
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY - ARE YOU COMFORTABLE GETTING BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS?
BECAUSE THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
“Lol Lauren, I’ll just give a little poke-a-roo before my period starts to find that little nose tip.”
No. You won’t. Unless you’re making a pit stop there during a pleasure quest, you’re wasting your time. That sucker moves around all cycle long and sometimes, somehow, she’s an elusive little bitch.
Here’s what I suggest:
Read the instructions. Cups often require sterilization prior to use and outside of that - you’re about to pop a cup into your body for the first time, read the goddamn directions.
WASH YOUR HANDS. Wash your hands before and after and during and always. Don’t put your germ sticks in your hello hole before you clean em’.
Breathe. When you get all tense your crotch gates close down the factory and the no entry applies to cups. Take a deep breath and relax.
Feel around. Visit the lobby, see what kind of continental breakfast it offers. Find the bar, walk the walls. Pretend it’s a house of mirrors. Close your eyes like Jennifer Lopez in Enough so you can fight your husband even when he cuts the power. Prepare for a domestic dispute in your vag.
Don’t start with a “soft” cup. I started with a soft cup because that’s what was recommended based on my cramping and all of the savage blood-sports that I play. While it might be the right cup for me, it was not the right cup for me to learn with. Harder or standard softness level cups are easier to pop open, and frankly - it’s hard to do.
Try it when you’re going to be home. Pandemic times are great times to try a period cup. If you’re working from home already - nobody will care if you bloop some blood on the underside of the toilet or leave a fun blood river at the bottom of the toilet.
Trim your nails. Trust. At the very least your thumb and pointer finger, but for good measure I’d trim the middle as well.
Get in there.
It’s worth mentioning that I have cried at least once every period since I’ve had a cup because I can’t get the cup in correctly as quickly as I would like. I am not a magician.
When you’re having trouble getting the cup in, re-read the directions all you want. Watch you-tube videos, read articles - whatever you think will work.
What will end up actually working is trial and error. Trial and error and locating your cervix. When in doubt, find your cervix.
And again THERE WILL BE BLOOD. You WILL get blood on your fingers.
Now what? How often do I empty this?
Now we wait. We wait for leaks. Will you leak? Probably. Why? Because you didn’t seal the deal. The cup didn’t open all the way. The cup opened all the way but your cervix is playing peek-a-boo on the edge. The cup moved somehow inside your cavernous crotch and your cervix is now exposed to the elements.
If you leak, you try again. Or else it gets the tamp again.
As far as how often to empty it - this answer will vary for everyone. The cups I have vary in capacity, which is the primary driver of when to empty. We do not want our cup to runneth over.
You’re going to need to do some period math.
I don’t know your period. I don’t know your tampon or pad absorbency. I don’t know how often you get a full 8 hours of tamp or how often you have to rush out of a meeting because you’ve bled through.
Take note of the number of products you are using in a 12 hour time period, google how much the products you are using can hold, and then compare that to the capacity of the cup you are considering. That should give you a rough idea of how long you can leave it in.
My worst days I can go 3-4 hours with my dump truck Super Jennie.
After the the first 2-3 days, I can typically go a full 12 hours with either.
How do I empty this?
The blood of the period cup is thicker than the water of the toilet. When you break the suction and pull your cup out, the recommendation is to put a little toilet paper raft together like Robinson Crusoe and then pour one out for the homies right on top of it. Imagine you’re Tom Hanks in Castaway, but instead of slapping a volley ball with your blood hand, you pour your blood cup upon thine raft.
That’s a totally normal way to explain this.
Is it gross? Sometimes. The first few times it can be shocking. Shocking because it’s much less than you thought. Shocking because it’s WAY MORE than you thought. Shocking because the more you see it as just blood collectively, the more gross tampons seem.
There is no brown portion or thick chunk dangling on the side hanging on for dear life. It’s just a cup of blood. It’s a cup of your own blood and you ALS ice bucket it right onto the toilet paper raft.
And it’s kind of impressive.
Pros
12 hour wear time. For those of you with normal periods, you’ll probably be able to rock a period cup for the full 12 hours most of the time.
Surprisingly comfortable. While it doesn’t look it, both cups I’ve tried are hardly noticeable while wearing them. They give me the confidence I need as a aspiring drug mule.
No more tampons. No more. No more asking your coworker for a tampon. No more secret tampon in the sleeve trick while you clench your butt cheeks together and slither to the bathroom. No more dry tampon pull out. No more tampons.
No wet tampon strings. No longer do you have to tuck your tampon string between your labia when you pee - because there isn’t one. You can just pee. Like normal.
Re-usable. Most cups are reusable for upwards of 10 years. Even for those of us who aren’t the hippie/granola type - this is so much better than loading up your blood bullets in a landfill.
Doesn’t push out of you when you poop. That’s a thing with tampons right? No? Just me?
Cons
Steep learning curve. It’s hard to feel confident that you’ve nailed the positioning and it takes a few cycles to get it down.
Intimidating. Especially for those who are young and uncomfortable exploring themselves - period cups present a few challenges and I imagine would not be a first choice.
Time. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to get the cup where it needs to be. With practice and consistency this has lessened, but tampons are, and probably always will be faster more of the time.
Blood. GUYS, YOU GET BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS. Like, even if you’re really good at it. Still. Blood.
At the end of the day, I’m glad I chose to try a cup and have no plans on stopping. Is it gross? Yep.
