Mothering Through Misgiving
I’ve hesitated to write something pandemic related because it all seems so obvious. We’re all going through this together, whether we like it or not. It’s difficult. It puts a weird strain on everything: work, parenting, relationships… existence in general. It kiiiiiiinda fucking blows.
Honestly, holding off on writing this feels a lot like how I held off on writing this blog in the first place. “People have been having kids forever, my experience isn’t unique, so many women have been through what I’ve been through - or worse! Who am I to think my experience is so important or original?”
It’s not.
I’m not really saying anything new. I don’t think I ever have. What I am doing, is saying it in my voice. Maybe that’s what makes this stupid: maybe it’s what makes it great. Maybe someone out there needs to hear these dumb things in my dumb voice for some dumb reason. If it makes a difference to anyone anywhere, it’s worth doing.
So I’m going to do this one too.
I’m no stranger to mothering at a time of uncertainty. Mothering itself is basically just that. I won’t claim to be the first person to say this, but this pandemic stay-at-home thing feels a whole fucking lot like maternity leave to me.
Maybe it’s the anxiety, the stress, the unknown… the captivity. It all feels familiar in the worst way. I’ve had to pull out many PPD/PPA coping activities out of the ole’ therapy memory box to yank myself from the 24/7 beat reporter type research I was doing.
Most of that revolves around connection with people who have had or are having similar situations. Oh! Well that’s handy, because the entire world is ripping this fart together.
My most beneficial conversations have been geared around talking out loud about fear, which is a really difficult thing to do, especially because you feel like a jackass while you do it, until you don’t.
Perhaps you haven’t had such connections. I’ll just make a fun list of all of the fears I’ve had or heard from others. Let’s take a minute to feel nice and heard. Let’s connect in fear, shall we?
I am so absolutely terrified for essential workers.
I wonder if I am doing enough when I grocery shop.
I worry I’m not purchasing enough food for a ‘just-in-case’ situation but also feel guilty if I buy even slightly more than I need, because other people.
Do I even know what 6 ft looks like, visually?
So are we wiping down packages or no?
Wow, lots of people lost their jobs - am I going to lose my job?
No face masks, face masks? No? Yes?
WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PPE?!
Is President Trump aware of himself at all?
How am I supposed to focus?
What if I’m asymptomatic and I gave this to a bunch of people and someone died and I have no idea?
These kids are going to pick up on my vibes and my vibes are not good. No good, this is no good. Fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE KIDS?!
Will I ever be able to enjoy Target again?
Is there anything I could be doing?
Am I doing enough?
I am scared for society in an all encompassing general sense that never existed to me before this in this way. Holy empathy.
I am scared for my family.
I am scared for myself.
I am scared for my children.
I am scared for my friends.
This is fucking scary.
I’m scared.
I think we’re all a little scared or a lot scared or pretending not to be scared.
In that sense, this is exactly like becoming a mother. We’re doubting ourselves, our preparedness, our leadership. We’re apprehensive about… everything. None of us know the consequences or the outcomes.
We do our best and we wait and see.
