Turn & Face the Strange

If you would have told me a year ago…

Gross. I really hate how cliché that sounds. As if some omniscient you from a year ago knew all of this and just held their tongue. Not cool.

It’s been 54 days since my last day at the job I held for almost 9 years. Outside of dreams and discussions in outdated chat platforms - I never really thought about how it would happen.

I guess I pictured it positive. Moving on to bigger betters. Informing my leaders I’d found something new. They’d be bummed and excited, my team would be bummed and excited, I would be bummed and excited.

Happy sad last few weeks.

That’s not exactly how it went down. Actually… that’s not how it went down at all.

Without diving into specifics - I chose to leave when I was presented the option to do so. I did it because I had to - and I could. I had no idea what was next, I was terrified, and I made the decision with an out-of-character level of haste. If you know me, you know how abnormal that is.

All I’ll say is this: leaving on weird terms during a pandemic where you don’t really get to see or say goodbye to people you’ve worked with for nearly a decade is not quite what I had in mind.

Regardless, it was the right choice.

I will not be returning to work.

I spent much of my time over the last year as many of us have - tearing down my person seemingly just to build her back up again. I attempted to create a better version of myself with the same pieces I quietly, verbally abused and I expected worlds of her. WORLDS.

She couldn’t live up to my standards.
She never does.

I’ve since crossed or burned many of the bridges in front of me.

Safe bridges.
Restrictive bridges.
Terrifying bridges.
Anxiety-ridden bridges.
Old bridges.

I’m still sitting and staring at some of the bridges before me, trying to understand which are worth treading and which should be subject to arson.

I’m also quietly crafting new bridges. I’m quite fond of the idea of building them myself this time - whatever that means.

I’m not ‘figuring out what is next’ - I am staying home with my children.

That’s what is next and it’s the part that’s surprising to me. I never thought I’d want that for myself. I never, ever looked down on stay at home moms until I considered becoming one.

I’m not sure what that says about me, except that I’m much more changeable than previously anticipated and also obviously still an absolute bitch to myself.

Motherhood tends to provide constant lessons in giving oneself grace.

I gather I should be an expert soon.

In regards to my ‘career.’

I’ve yet to feel an ounce of regret after lighting that bridge on fire.

I always describe the way I whittled myself into a profession as happenstance. I realize that completely discredits me - which is unfair.

I guess I’m done for now.

I keep looking at the ZipRecruiter emails I get full of positions I’m more than qualified for and reminding myself how I got to where I am, what my skillsets actually are, and how large my network is.

I consider myself in terms of software: Netsuite. Salesforce. Jira. Infusionsoft. Keap. Calendly. Fucking Chargebee. Countless others.

Who fucking cares.

I lost myself in work years ago until having a baby slapped me out of it. Then I lost myself in motherhood. When I picked up the pieces I was never great at work again (according to me, professional asshole). When I went part-time to be with my kids - I became worse at both things.

Here’s a fun secret I learned. I wasn’t lost. I was never really lost. My values were just shifting.

They’ve landed on my children for now.

When they shift again, I guess I’ll figure out what comes next.