I'm Standing in My Way

Truthfully, the only thing standing in my way is me.

It’s always been this way. I’m always there. Nobody else is criticizing me, telling me that the things that I want aren’t possible or achievable - it’s only me.

It’s never the right time, it’s never perfect enough, funny enough, researched enough. It’s never enough - because I never allow it to be.

The fear of looking foolish to someone else makes me look foolish all the time to myself.

And if I overcame myself - then what? Is there ever truly a way to escape yourself? To accept yourself. Imagine what would be possible. All of it. Everything.

And if I don’t? If I can’t? What then? Does it get heavier? What am I kept from? Do my relationships suffer? Do I? Am I not suffering now? IS IT NOT ENOUGH.

Can I minimize this to a to-do list? Can I make it as simple as cleaning a bathroom? Mirrors, counters, toilet, floors. I can hardly convince myself to clean my bathrooms - how am I supposed to convince myself that I’m enough?

I can make infinite excuses to keep myself from becoming any ‘better’ version of me. It’s hardly a conscious action anymore.

It’s all fear.

It’s always been fear.

I’m scared to be comfortable with myself.

The wins aren’t celebrated - only critiqued and given notes on how to do it better next time. More efficiently, more quickly - closer and closer to perfect.

I think the saddest part is that I’m closer than I’ve ever been and it still feels worlds away.

I’ve overcome a lot of things - but never myself.